Shut up and listen
Providing value by providing knowledge and information
— or —
How to make the world a better place by criticising student politics
Ryan Wing-Chen
You, my fellow students, should have figured out by now that I have been on this campus for at least two quinquennia and that I have a detailed record, often even an audio recording, of everything that has ever transpired at UW. Everyone also knows that I'm dedicated to providing value and serving students, even if the things I am writing about might bore you to slumber. It is vitally important that people understand why I do what I do and why I am correct in whatever I say or write.
Why listen to me?
The most obvious reason is that I'm much, much smarter than you are. I nitpick every little thing to death, obsess on obscure and often scarcely relevant factors and pore over the most monotonous and mind-numbing details of issues that most of you don't care about at all.
Would I be capable of this if I were stupid? That is highly unlikely. This suggests that I am in fact more informed about the issues than you are, which in turn makes it reasonable for you to assume that I am knowledgeable about what I write about and that therefore my conclusions are therefore correct. So there.
Critics, take heed
I often criticize many of the actions taken by student leaders and encourage others to do so as well. In any society, critical analysis is important and every person is a fair target for constructive criticism. However, this only applies to human beings and, as some of you may have heard, I am not a human being. I am an android. If you don't believe me, just check uwstudent.org/story/8113. It's all there.
Face it, you are ignorami
Having established that I am an android, with intellectual superiority and immunity to criticism, it is easy to understand why I am right. However, this is only half of the equation. Just as important is knowing why you are stupid and don't understand the issues as well as I do.
Many students already have a good grasp of the fact that they are ignorant, but blind acceptance of what's right (id est what I say) is not enough. It is necessary to put it in writing, preferably in the form of a letter to the editor supporting me, and admitting your own idiocy.
Taking action
As a student body, we must keep our leaders, people in positions of public trust, accountable for their actions and inactions. I have vigilantly been doing that for many years and will continue to do so. Many of you may wish to do so as well, but it is not necessary, because I stand as the sentinel of the student good. Also, if someone other than me attempted to keep our leaders accountable, they would only end up making themselves look foolish. So rest easy, Waterloo. I will keep you abreast of all developments.
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