01 April 2003
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This is a story from the annual Imprint joke issue, mIsprint, which is published around April Fool's Day.

Secret life of Ryan Wing-Chen

by Seedy Left

New clues recently emerged that could help solve the mystery of UW's eternal man Ryan Wing-Chen. Preliminary signs are pointing to him being an android.

Environmental studies students who were doing water and soil tests at Columbia Lake uncovered the concrete-encased remains of the human Ryan Wing-Chen.

"We were kicking the water to see how many fresh water invertebrates were in the water as a measure of how much goose crap is in the lake when my boot hit something hard," said student Mitch Bacterson.

Normally the oozing sediments of the lake are a combination of rotting vegetation, bird excrement and extra copies of Misprint.

"I was surprised to hit something hard. It turns out that it was a cement coffin."

Forensic scientists have yet to get positive confirmation of the identity, but campus pundits are expecting it to match following the recent discovery of documents marked classified.

The documents seem to outline the plan of a right-wing conspiracy devised by Lee Aaron-Wudrick, the right-wing white-man dedicated to smashing refundable fees and giving Russel Mchugh-Liam, Feds VP Educatrix, a hard time.

The document, unearthed by Misprint's investigative reporters, reads of a plan to kidnap a young student and put an android in place "to ask gruelling pointed questions of all people in positions of authority." Foul play is suspected, the student currently registered as Ryan Wing-Chen is being sought.